My pain pushed me to tears yesterday …
And not to cause me further pain but to make me aware of and allow me to, break a Old Behaviour, and release some
In my past relationship my pain was an ‘inconvenience’ …me being in pain meant that his life was now disrupted. Whenever I expressed my pain through tears I was berated. An argument would begin and escalate h til the point he could walk out and not be around me and my pain.
I quickly learnt to hide my pain…. a stone wall was erected around me and when the pain got too much, instead of releasing all of that energy (through tears) it became trapped in my body. I did not cry … I would not cry.
I then began to build the belief that ‘if the pain was bringing me to tears I was Weak’
…And from here on out a very unhealthy habit was created …
a habit of denial, a habit of faking, a habit of not expressing my true thoughts and feelings. A belief that weakness was bad.
This now habit became lost beneath the other bullshit I pilled on top of it. And I had forgotten all about it …
Last night … in the company of my partner my pain flared up to the point that I felt this surge of energy trying to get out of my BEing … and I as began my old habit of forcing it away … I heard Spirit whisper in my ear
“Let go, let him in”
And I did … tears rolled from eyes and rather than shying away from the weakened state I felt in that moment, I embraced him and he embraced me back.
No berating came. No horrible words that helped me feel weak came. No feeling of being ‘an inconvenience was felt. No feelings of guilt or shame surfaced within me.
I felt safe in my expression of my pain!
And in this moment I remembered what I had done.
I remembered the stone wall I had placed around myself so many years ago and I allowed it to fall away.
My pain surge last night was the experience I NEEDED to remember what I had done …. and this experience, which could not of occurred without my pain … has allowed me to let go of more of my past conditioning and more of my Old Stuff to fall away.
Pain is here to teach us … because most of our ‘blocks’ were built from Pain, so Pain is the catalyst that is required to remove what was once built and is no longer needed.
I share this with you because I want to real … I am in pain. It’s becoming challenging to maintain my ‘natural elevated state’ … I am not immune from the lessons we are here to learn.
I work with the lessons in whatever form they appear … I look for the lessons and I accept and understand that the catalyst is required for said lessons to be seen, heard and integrated:
I have spent 17 years in a chronic state of pain … and I have played it down, numbed it out so that I could get to where I am now. This approach was needed then.
Now a different approach is required and Pain, my old friend, my biggest teacher, is in full swing and doing what it does best … changing me
Am I tired? Yes
Do I wish that it weren’t so? Yes
But these things are irrelevant in the grand scheme of things … I have gained just as much positive from my lifetime of pain…. resilience, willpower, mind over matter, determination…
There is always an equal balance … we can experience the good alongside the not so good. But we have to look for the good and focus on it just as much as the other.
It’s a life lesson that I may spend the rest of my current life learning … and I am ok with that.
I will make the most out it … because that is what I choose to do ALWAYS